MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
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Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
when you are just born a rebel
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread