ed has no gf cuz sheran away
You Might Also Like
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.