GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great