This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.