“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”