Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg