What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.