Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago