Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
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ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.