Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???