If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.