2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.