i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.