My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!