When libraries troll their patrons.
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Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Bringing home a sharpie
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*