*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Webb. James Webb.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.