Human are so complicated
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When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
How I like cutting carbs
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.