Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
synchronized noseblowing
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.