Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Solving a traffic jam
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people