“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
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her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Investing in beetcoin
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.