me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch