If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’d love this…lol
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood