dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.