Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
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In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.