If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
You Might Also Like
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies