cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
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For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!