The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Received some very disappointing news today
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
#parenting
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.