I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.