“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know