Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.