Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
New Tinder profile.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?