As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.