God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.