If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Happy Star Wars day!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK