I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.