Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING