Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind