I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
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I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.