“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
A drum solo but on your face.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.