valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand