[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef