When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
The police never think its as funny as you do.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
…żyje?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge