My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
God, I love Scotland
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.