#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.