The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.