If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You Might Also Like
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving