Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
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I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason