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WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.