my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.