I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!